[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
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My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.