pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
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In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
repaired
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
wait.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.