I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
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*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…