Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
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Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Ironic
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN