Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
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[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣