Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
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Saving my good tweets for marriage
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
❤️🦆
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Tremendous stuff
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.