Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
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Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”