Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
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[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
*has no idea what a book even is*
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Natural selection at its finest
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.