Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
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Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.