INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
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Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Dudes named Chance never had one.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
That time Alicia messaged me
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.