Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
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[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
drew a comic about my origin story
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
March 16
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point