behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
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Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
181.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?