Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
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[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Labreador
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it