good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
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son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
What’s a Messi?
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.