instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
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Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
we’re dead?
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.