People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
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Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
The Friday File.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?