Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
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My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
superman landing like a plane on his belly
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this