A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
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DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.