Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
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[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
the three branches of government
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Liquor Store Parking
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message