Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
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The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms