A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
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My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
how to market bottled water to dads
Van Gone
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*