BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
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This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
the simulation is moving too fast
No regrets in 2018
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.