*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
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Nice try Hitler
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience