Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
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I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet