Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
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i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what