Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
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*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?