All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
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Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*