Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
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My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
You know…for fall…
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
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