The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
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“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager