neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
You Might Also Like
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
The funk soul brother
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot