i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
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My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I get distracted pretty eas
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”