The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
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Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Who wants to be my Valentine?