Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
You Might Also Like
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
no their not
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond