its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
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There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Phones down.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.