Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
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I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat