Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
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My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
How funny!
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.