person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
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A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Based Erika
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.