“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
You Might Also Like
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
New comic up. “Ransom”
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.