Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
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4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Oh boy, $150,000!
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
this is literally a CIA plant
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me