God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
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I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back