i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
You Might Also Like
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off