“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
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I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”