I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
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Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I love twitter
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
lmfao
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers