My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
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– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Oh thanks BBC.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.