Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
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Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
when there are deer in the woods
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Carpe DM
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong