last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
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me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
do what now??
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit