If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
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My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.