Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
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[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Sharon I have some bad news
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
still the best tweet of the year by far
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now