Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
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Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.