It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
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Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Breaking news:
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real